


Ten Things Sam Knows About His Dean (And One Thing He Wishes He Didn't)

by samidha



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode: s04e01 Lazarus Rising, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-04-17
Updated: 2009-04-17
Packaged: 2018-12-04 15:35:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11558196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samidha/pseuds/samidha
Summary: The author was trying for cute fluff and then it got weird.





	Ten Things Sam Knows About His Dean (And One Thing He Wishes He Didn't)

**Author's Note:**

> Making an attempt to post all my old fic. Lots of it is pre-series, S1, and S3-S4 focused.

1.  
Dean talks in his sleep. He has for as long as Sam can remember. It used to happen randomly when they were kids-- or maybe Sam just didn't know how to connect the dots between what he was hearing and how Dean's been feeling. These days, Sam knows if Dean's talking, he's not sleeping very well. Dean moves maybe a quarter step off, on mornings after. Sam heads out to scout for coffee and makes sure Dean drinks it black. It's the least he can do since Dean won't let him drive for love or money.

2.  
Actually, Dean hates mornings. Dean is a champion sleeper, when Sam lets him. Sam would let Dean sleep as long as he wanted anytime he asked, but he also knows giving in and letting themselves just sack out indefinitely will be hell on their backs. Sam loves Dean, but making sure to do what he can so that Dean's back doesn't attempt seceding from the rest of his brother's body is an act of pure self-preservation. Sam never likes seeing Dean in pain, and he's not going to when he can avoid it. Just common sense.

3.  
Dean spends more time in the bathroom than he wants anyone to know. Unfortunately for him, he has to settle for Sam knowing about this, too. For instance: Dean takes longer showers than Sam, and he's fastidious. Dean's got a reputation to uphold, even if it's only with himself these days. It's not like Sam cares how many girls Dean bags in a week, but he knows about the endless black book in Dean's head, the one that's got nothing to do with saving people, hunting things. With someone on his arm, Dean's almost happy.

4.  
Sam knows exactly why Dean keeps all of his tapes. He's memorized the beats of the songs, what order they're in, and how hard to tap them out on the steering wheel for maximum effect while still concentrating on the road. It's never been a surprise to Sam that Dean's a creature of habit. They were fifty miles out of Palo Alto the first time Dean fast-forwarded through "I'm Burning For You" instead of playing it and Sam's eyes started to ache. "Play it," he said the time after that. Dean pushed out a breath and did.

 

5.  
Dean has to pretend he doesn't remember this, but Sam doesn't: Dean's favorite stuffed animal went with them everywhere when they were kids, until Babar's left ear fell off completely somewhere in Wyoming. What Sam tries to forget is that it was a present from their mother, one of the last things from Before. Sam had to sleep in the same bed with Dean again for months after he lost the ear and half the stuffing came out of its head. Sam still remembers the way Dean cried into his pillow, into Sam's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sleep shirt.

6.  
Sam still can't stand to see Dean cry. He knows it's partly his fault Dean just won't talk about anything, deflecting like a master instead. When he's not blindingly angry, Sam does remember this. He tries not to be really angry at Dean, not the biting kind of anger that eats at them both. But Sam knows Dean can be a jerk. Sometimes it's like Dean's trying to win some kind of competition in jerk-dom. Mostly, Sam remembers this means Dean's scared, but he isn't always above being baited. Dean is his brother, after all.

7.  
Sam knows he's never exactly been a saint. He has never had a Get Out Of Jail Free card. Not with anyone except Dean, anyway. Maybe he got complacent. It wouldn't surprise him. Dean's just always been good to Sam. He knows that, looking back now. Dean's never been perfect--hell, he doesn't even come close to nice, sometimes. But he's always been good. Even when Sam passed Dean the letter from Stanford and he watched Dean bust open, almost throwing punches. In the end, Dean just fizzled out, let Sam be.

8.  
Sam has always pretended he never expected Dean to come and get him. He pretends that he never wished for it to happen. The truth is, Dean was always in the back of his mind, like the worst quotes from the Malleus Malificarum and the rest of Bobby's books that he'd never been able to dislodge; like the hum of the Impala's engine under them as he and Dean slept in the back seat. Sam had always known if Dean had come for him, he would follow. When he pretends otherwise, he's sure Dean knows it's all a sham.

9.  
Sam's always known Dean would do anything for him. He's always hoped Dean knew he felt the same, but after Cold Oak Sam's pretty sure that he was wrong, there. It's the first part that ends up mattering, and when Sam thinks about Jake's words, he wishes that he didn't know that part so well. "How long'd you get?" he asks, and his heart is already shattering apart in his chest. The Winchesters have never been anything but cursed. Sam knows that's hardly going to stop now. Sam knows without question he has failed Dean.

10.  
Sam knows he'd give Dean anything. Anything. The trouble is, Dean's not asking. The point of no return is fast approaching and there's not an ounce of the hypothetical in that. Sam wants Dean to rail, to beg Sam to do something. But soon all his illusions are falling away. Dean's going to let himself go and there's nothing Sam can do. He forces himself through (one last) Christmas, he spends nights alone in the motel letting Dean get lost in sex, booze. Sam counts down. Dean doesn't want what Sam could give him.

11.  
When Dean and Bobby get to the motel, Sam knows immediately. He doesn't know what exactly, but he feels it. His skull is throbbing and he wishes Ruby was already gone. She tenses and opens the door, braced for combat. Ruby can move faster than the human girl could have alone. Then Sam sees it, what he felt, wearing Dean's eyes, his face, but blacksickwrong inside. It's not Sam's Dean. He feels that tearing through his core every time he looks into the darkness wearing Dean's shell. Sam only aches for Dean's light.

**Author's Note:**

> The song Dean avoids playing for Sam for a while is Burnin' for You by BOC. You can find Dean completely rocking out to this song in the car (lots of wheel-slapping) at some point later in the series and I always thought... REALLY, Dean? But it was CUTE. Even Sam thinks so. ;)


End file.
